The Comparison Trap: Why Them and Not Me?
When you see someone achieving something you deeply desire, what’s your first instinct? What thoughts rush in? What feelings arise?
This could apply to anything in life, but it feels particularly heavy when it comes to fertility, pregnancy and motherhood.
You see someone announce their pregnancy after you've been trying for what feels like forever.
You hear about someone’s smooth, glowing pregnancy while you’re battling complications.
You listen to a story about a quick and easy labor when yours didn’t go as planned.
You watch another mum, perfectly put together, effortlessly managing outings with her newborn, while you can barely find time for a shower.
It’s so easy to fall into the comparison trap.
"Why them and not me?"
"What am I doing wrong?"
"Is there something wrong with me?"
"Am I not good enough, not deserving enough?"
And then, layered on top of those thoughts, comes something else, shame.
Because we’re often taught that feeling jealous or envious is wrong.
That if we feel this way, it must mean we’re bitter, ungrateful or unkind.
But here’s the truth: jealousy and envy are just emotions.
They don’t make you a bad person.
They don’t mean you don’t want happiness for others.
They don’t mean you’re not grateful for what you already have.
They simply mean you care deeply.
And interestingly we often use the word “jealousy” when we really mean envy, but they’re actually different emotions.
Envy is when you want something someone else has. It’s that pang of longing when you see someone else living the experience you desire.
Jealousy is when you fear losing something you already have to someone else and it usually involves a third party. This might be feeling jealous when your friend gets close to someone new or when you worry that your partner is paying attention to someone else.
So when you see someone announce their pregnancy, talk about their easy birth, or seem to have the perfect postpartum experience, what you’re likely feeling is envy and not jealousy.
And that distinction matters.
Because envy isn’t something to suppress or be ashamed of. It’s a signpost. It’s pointing toward something that truly matters to you.
So what if instead of shaming yourself for feeling envious, what if you got curious?
Instead of seeing envy as a reflection of what you lack, what if you saw it as a reflection of your deepest desires?
What if, instead of pushing it down, you allowed it to show you what you really want?
And what if, instead of seeing someone else’s success as proof of your shortcomings, you saw it as evidence of what’s possible?
I won’t pretend this is easy. The first instinct may still be to feel that pang of why not me? And that’s okay. It’s human.
The goal isn’t to judge or shame yourself for feeling that way. Instead, take on the role of curious observer.
Next time you notice comparison creeping in, pause, take a breath. And ask yourself: "How interesting that I’m thinking this…"
Because once you bring awareness to the thought, you then have a choice.
You can let it pull you deeper into comparisonitis or you can reframe it into something that serves you.
Maybe:
If they can do it, so can I.
If it’s possible for them, it’s also possible for me.
This feeling is just showing me what I truly desire and that means it’s meant for me too.
Let their journey be proof of what is possible and a reminder that your journey is unfolding exactly as it’s meant to
How RTT Can Help You Break Free from Comparison
If you find yourself stuck in the spiral of comparison, feeling like you're not good enough or questioning your worth, there’s a way to break free.
Rapid Transformational Therapy (RTT) helps uncover and rewire the deep subconscious beliefs that keep you feeling "less than." It helps you shift from feeling like an outsider looking in to believing in your own path and trusting in your own journey.
Through RTT, you can move from:
Feeling triggered by others' success to feeling inspired by what's possible for you.
Believing you're not enough to knowing you're worthy of what you desire.
Getting lost in self-doubt to trusting in your own timing.
If you're ready to release the thoughts and emotions holding you back and step into the version of you that knows she is enough, I’d love to hear from you and let’s work out how I could help.